1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
