i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
We need to get me chipped asap
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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