So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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