I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I didn't notice because vodka
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
