i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize