Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
