The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
