I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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