sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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