just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
