i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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