i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
