Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
