i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
