I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
