my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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