It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
