i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize