I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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