Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
