Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize