Moan for me like Helen Keller
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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