i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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