Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
