So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
