Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
