Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
