I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
