Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
