I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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