Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Randomize
