I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
