GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
