Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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