foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So much rum. So many feels.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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