four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
