if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
