the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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