So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
