he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you had me at cake vodka
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
