Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize