DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
