I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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