im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
