My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
