Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
