I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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