True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
