sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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