I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
