I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
