i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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