Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
