drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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