I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
