Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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