Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
