i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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