from now on my penis is your penis
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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