I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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