The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
