on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
