Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
