alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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