the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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