FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
